User talk:Scary Rolly Polly Michael
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Tap, Tap, Tap page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 22:59, June 28, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:01, June 28, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:02, June 28, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:23, June 29, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story Starting with the basics that don't weigh in on a story's deletion but are still important to learn, indenting your (while correct in other formats) paragraphs causes formatting issues on this wiki. You corrected this, but ended up posting everything as a massive paragraph. This makes the text blocky and difficult to read. Wording issues: "Its (It) looks like some kind of...Young (young) man?", "I have to get in there!But something", "The figure spoke. "There once was a man name Harold. His mind was slowly unfurled. He took upon his noose, and surely it wasn't noose." It laughed in its booming voice, exclaiming, "You make this story heard. Tell of every word. And all who know, will be victim to my show." It had said" There really is no need to identify the hangman as speaking twice. Capitalization issues: You tend to improperly capitalize words when using ellipses. "Its looks like some kind of...Young man? ", "I'm...Glued in place.", "He's wearing some kind of...Old, raggedy brown shirt and pants.", etc. Remember that an ellipses is used to signify either an omission of words or a pause (typically in dialogue). When used as a pause, the sentence and the sentence is ongoing (i.e. not the start of a new sentence), it shouldn't be capitalized unless the word after the ellipsis is a proper noun. Tense issues: You switch between telling the story in past tense ("So, after dark, I spied on the now richest family in their home") and present tense ("I-I-I feel like I have to get in there!But something is not letting me move! Oh God, what the fuck is that thing?! There's some kind of tall, shadowy figure hovering above them. Its looks like some kind of...Young man? What the fuck am I witnessing? I-I'm just imagining this! That guy is not up there!") You need to be uniform and either tell the events in past tense or present tense. Story issues: Let's start with the rhyme: "There once was a man named Harold. His mind was slowly unfurled. He took upon his noose, and surely it wasn't loose. He hung from the willow, what a sad fellow. But now he comes back, to hear you bellow." The rhymes seem really awkward (Harold/unfurled, willow/fellow). Additionally, this should be properly spaced out in a poem format (into stanzas) otherwise the flow feels awkward. Story issues cont.: "So, after dark, I spied on the now richest family in their home, hoping to find an answer and report it to the local sheriff." You really need to explain the character more and his motivations to really make this seem less awkward. It seems odd that they would randomly decide to stalk this family in an attempt to show up the sheriff when there's no backstory suggesting a reason why they'd do this. Story issues cont.: A majority of the stream-of-consciousness scene feels out-of-place and forced. ("I-I-I feel like I have to get in there!But something is not letting me move! Oh God, what the fuck is that thing?! There's some kind of tall, shadowy figure hovering above them. Its looks like some kind of...Young man? What the fuck am I witnessing? I-I'm just imagining this! That guy is not up there! But there's so much detail. I couldn't possibly imagine this...He's wearing some kind of...Old, raggedy brown shirt and pants. And his hair is orange. This has to be a character I've seen in some kind of show. This isn't real! But I can see so much information that it has to be! I can't move. I'm...Glued in place" As the story was previously in past tense and then it cuts back to the story being in past tense after this scene, it doesn't make much sense. Story issues end: The ending feels like the fairly generic "You're Next!"-style ending. "But I just don't want to die! I don't want him to come for me. I'm sorry. But you now know the story of Hangman Harold." Maybe if you built up Hangman Harold's need to spread this story, it might make more sense and be more effective, but for now, it just feels like you tried to shoe-horn a twist into the story and really didn't build-up the story properly to suit it. I'm sorry, but these were a few of the issues I found. I would strongly suggest using the writer's workshop as this is the second story of yours I deleted with similar issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:04, June 29, 2016 (UTC) :No problem, as I said above, I would strongly suggest using the writer's workshop for feedback before trying to upload it to the site. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:29, June 30, 2016 (UTC)